Now, I would first like to make it clear that I am not one to jump on any bandwagons, least of all the 'mourn a celebrity death' bandwagon. It's terribly sad when people die, but if I didn't know them, though I'll show my respects, I'm not going to cry about it. That being said, I can't help but feel very sad about the recent death of Amy Winehouse who was and undeniable talent and a tragic individual, who had, like so many others, fallen victim to an addiction. Tonight someone made some very unfair comments about her situation, comments which many people seem to agree with, and I couldn't help but want to set him straight. It didn't seem appropriate to launch into a tirade in the environment we were in (and I was silenced by a close friend who could 'see where this was going') and so I decided to put my feelings down on paper. Or screen. Whatever.
I'll set the scene. I was sitting with my best friend and some of her acquaintances tonight, having a casual drink, and inevitably a piece about Amy Winehouse flashed up on the news channel being screened on the TV of the pub. Best friend's fancy-man, K, immediately made some comment about how it was 'her own fault' and, having had a couple of pints, I immediately challenged him. His point of view seemed to be that as an addict, she should have just 'sorted herself out' and negated the whole issue. She was so rich, why couldn't she have used her money to hire a psychiatrist and confront her problems that way, rather than shooting up however many times a day? She surely would have known the damage drug abuse would have been doing to her?
All of this I could kind of let go of, brush over as someone who also didn't have any idea of Amy's situation.
However.
The conversation then turned to addiction in general. I said that one can understand, or at least empathise with addiction when the addict is using drugs (or another medium) to block out emotional issues. If someone has unbearable 'demons', and finds a way of silencing them through substance abuse, surely one can understand the person continuing to abuse the substance as long as they can find this temporary peace? Even if she hadn't had issues, people get into hard drugs for a number of reasons, and once abuse becomes addiction, then it becomes a mental issue in itself. This did not sit well with K. He began talking about how selfish it was to turn to drugs, even if because of mental issues, and why couldn't she be selfless and turn to therapy instead? Well that is not the nature of addiction, I argued. Addiction overcomes everything, family, career, social life. That's what defines addiction over 'vice'. The debate continued in a similar manner until this comment happened: “But like, if you woke up in the morning and thought, 'Will I have a beer today or will I sit down and talk to my kids?' you'd totally choose your kids...”
Nearly flipped my lid.
This is when Best-Friend screamed 'LET'S TALK ABOUT LIBRARIES!!!'. She had VERY MUCH pre-empted the lid-flipping.
I have to explain now why this issue runs so close to the bone for me. I am the daughter of an abusive alcoholic father. An abusive alcoholic father who died in November last year after 10 years of hard-core alcohol abuse finally took their toll. This was a man who fought his way up from a disadvantaged background to become one of the most respected people in the British Army. He was a worshipped father, a loved husband, an idolised big-brother, until addiction took hold. And he was a man who frequently woke up in the morning and had the choice of 'do I have a beer or do I sit down and talk to my children' and chose beer. Or half a bottle of vodka, more specifically.
He wasn't a bad man. He wasn't a particularly good man, granted: he systematically destroyed my mother emotionally, beat both her and me physically and mentally damaged my mother, my brother and I for good. But this was all BECAUSE of his addiction, not because he was born a terrible, selfish man. He had horrific nightmares about his difficult childhood and of his time serving as a nurse in the armed forces. When we asked why he drank, what he looked for at the bottom of a bottle, he would answer: 'Oblivion'. Yes, he could have sought psychiatric help to tackle his problems, but he found alcohol first, and having discovered a substance that number his pain, why would he give it up? How he could he justify to his own mind giving up the thing that numbed him against his demons? He had an additive personality, and his addiction took hold before he had the first idea of what was happening to him.
Once alcohol is established as a coping mechanism, it becomes a habit. Habit becomes dependency. Dependency becomes addiction. And then you're fucked. Remember that choice I talked about earlier? The one about 'Beer, or my children?'? Well it as soon as you reach the stage of addiction, you stop having that choice. Such is the nature of addiction. It's the same for any substance: alcohol, heroin, shopping. It's not that you take a look at your life, your career, or your family and think, 'nah, they're not worth giving this up...'. You don't get to have that look in the first place. Feeding your addiction is your number one priority, it becomes a physiological and psychological necessity. Trust me, it took a long time for me to accept that fact. It's NOT because I wasn't worth enough to make him stop.
Yes, some people give up drugs, alcohol, shopping. They might have a scare, maybe one overdose too many. They might have what alcoholics call 'a moment of clarity'. They overcome their addictions. They are lucky. LUCKY. My opinion might be controversial here: the people who overcome addiction are no stronger than the people who don't, they just had the right thought process at the right time. Addicts are all falling through space, and the ones who recover are the ones who reached up just as they were tumbling past something to grip on to. The rest missed by an inch. Even then it's not as simple as 'sorting yourself out'. My Dad was sober for a whole year when I was a teenager. He had grabbed onto something. But even then, the addiction dragged him back down again. It wasn't selfishness. It's never selfishness. It's addiction.
Amy Winehouse might have recovered, cleaned herself up. She might have started a family, become an anti-drugs ambassador. She might have lived a long and healthy life. But she died before she had the chance. And that is the tragedy. That her fans will never hear her sing again, is a tragedy. That her boyfriend will never hold her again, is a tragedy. That her parents will never have her round for Sunday dinner again is a tragedy. She didn't get her chance to beat her addiction and that doesn't make her 'junkie scum'. That just makes her death very, very sad.
So do me favour, think what you like, but really consider what you are saying before you tell me Amy Winehouse deserved what she got. No-one deserves addiction. Everybody has their demons.
